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I’ve been reading Below the Root recently, and last night I came across a passage that made me stop as something clicked into place in my head. It had to do with one of the characters talking about the trap of someone being purposefully honored so highly in their society. “…as Kindar, we are not prepared to question tradition. But there is a reason behind the tradition. The reason is that the Year of Honor is a trap. A beautiful trap, baited by a lure as irresistible to Kindar as is honey to a moonmoth-the lure of fame and honor and power. Thus a humble Kindar can be caught and fed on pride and power until he is as unable to live without them as a Berry-dreamer to live without his Berries. To do this takes time, and it must be accomplished before he becomes an Ol-zhaan and begins to learn their secrets.”

It was like finding the answer to a question I’d had in my head since I went to a special program in high school for the arts.

“From a managerial standpoint, people addicted to defining their lives by the stuff they buy, or by pats on the head, comprise a managerial utopia. In prison, or school, the way to this condition, this safe condition, is prepared by a drill in the extension of small privileges and honors, or the withholding of same, by punishments and rewards externally imposed until the inner ability of the human spirit to punish or reward itself –and hence be free of tutelage — is destroyed or suppressed. The animal trainers in service to the rich and powerful through history-not B.F. Skinner or the behaviorists-created this form of training.
“Reflections on School and Prison”
- John Taylor Gatto

In my experience, someone who has an interest in creativity, whether it’s cooking, sculpting, singing, writing, dancing, etc, have discovered the joy of bringing something inside of themselves out into the world. It is a place that is hard to touch by institutions, and can help protect someone from the strong influences of a structured and managed society. I’m sure many people reading this have seen that person in their math class completely removed from what is going on around them, engrossed in a drawing or writing a poem. The teacher can threaten them, take that artwork away, try to punish them, but there will always be more where that came from. It came from an invulnerable place, and it’s how that person was fighting back against a system that was relentlessly trying to crush their soul. They are the people succeeding in slipping through the cracks of administration. However, I do not think they are let go so easily.

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To me, what ends up mattering in a lot of situations is not what is real but what people believe is real. If someone is walking around thinking that the way our species will go on and prosper is if the strong members succeed over the weak, that’s a powerful ideology. Considering that evolution is the main ideology perpetrated in “higher education” as the way life works, having a doctor think, even subconsciously, that someone who is weak in any way is not going to help our species evolve, I would think he would be less inclined to try to help that person.

Our society is a strictly structured hierarchy. It would be hard to argue against there being a gaping separation between the top 5% of our society in terms of wealth and the lower 95% who don’t even come close to having that kind of power. If someone in that top percentile went to a doctor for a problem, how would they be treated? Why? Would their personal doctor see them for just a couple minutes, diagnose them based on a brief account of their symptoms, then hand them some samples the local drug rep gave them earlier that week and send them on their way? Or would that doctor bust their ass to make sure that politician/heiress/top business executive received the best treatment available because they were seen as important and could buy the best care, if they have to pay for it at all?

Maybe all doctors make some attempt to help all those in need of their skill. Or I would like to think they do. But I remember my grandfather complaining bitterly at the end of his life, where he was a family doctor into his 80s, that doctors have a quota in terms of the number of patients they have to see each day. This results in the doctors only being able to see patients for around 15 minutes, regardless of the care they need. If not, the insurance companies will not pay the doctor for the extra time. Since most people in America depend on health insurance for their medical needs, if they’re able to even afford it, this severely limits the kind of care they will receive.

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ren·e·gade n.

1. One who rejects a religion, cause, allegiance, or group for another; a deserter.

2. An outlaw; a rebel.

Sometimes I feel like a renegade in my own life. I can clearly see who I was supposed to be, based on who I was growing up, who I was encouraged to become, and who I was punished for not continuing to become for many years. There has always been a strong part of me that will say “no” to things at what seems to be the most inopportune times. I’m not talking about little rebellions, though I’ve had a lot of those too. I mean saying no to the big things in life.

I was so stubborn about it when I decided this path wasn’t working that I gained some of the freedom I needed to figure out what map I wanted. I didn’t realize it for most of my life, but I have quite a few choices when it comes to who I want to be and how I want to live my life. Figuring out which of these choices work for me has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and will continue to be a lifelong process. I’m getting closer to figuring out some of my map though, the map I like for my life, the map that makes sense to me.

Looking at my life as a map, I realized that my family, through their examples, threats, rewards, encouragements, financial support or denial, and advice had laid out a clear outline for my entire life. I had struggled to stay on that path since middle school, trying to balance my growing despair over being in a public school environment in a non-supportive society with trying to please my parents and generally not fuck up my chances at succeeding in this world. In certain ways things were very simple. My Dad’s Dad was a doctor, so maybe I should become one too.

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“Our natures are now so warped in many directions, we’re so conditioned by education we have no longer any straight true clean reactions that we can trust and we have to be pretty wise and careful what it is we give up to, what it is we admire, what it is we’re inspired by.”

-Frank Lloyd Wright

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